Vulnerability Hangover

Have you heard of this before?

It’s a term coined by Brené Brown who we all know and love. If you aren’t familiar with her genius, she is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work where she has spent the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy. She is also the author of five #1 New York Times best sellers. I read her second and third books, The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly a few years ago, but to be honest, I didn’t remember much…getting old is a bitch/challenge.

Also, I think there is something about her subtle but powerful ideas that when you first read them you think, “Wow! What a great way to think and talk about these issues,” but like all new ways of thinking, it takes forever revisiting these concepts for them to sink in. Her Ted Talk was her first big entrance into popular culture. It was watched a gazillion times and even if you’ve seen it, it’s worth re-watching in case you are as old and forgetful as I am.

She says things like, “I believe you have to walk through vulnerability to get to courage, therefore…embrace the suck.” She talks about studying people who live with a feeling of wholeheartedness and these people tend to have a lot in common. First of all, they have love and connection in their lives and they feel worthy of that love and connection. They have courage to be who they are authentically which means the courage to show their imperfections in their relationships, they have compassion for themselves and others, and they are comfortable with vulnerability – the courage to be imperfect. According to her research, it turns out what feels good and is easy for us in the moment isn’t what makes us happy in the long run. WHAT??? This can’t be right. She calls it, “Courage over comfort.”

Can’t I just lie in bed eating snacks, drinking wine and watching Netflix?? Sadly, I’m not sure this brings me lasting contentment, just momentary pleasure – which is nothing to sneeze at don’t get me wrong, but…

When I first put out this blog last month, I sent it to 20 of my friends to get their thoughts and critiques on how hard it was to navigate and the overall look and feel. Everyone was helpful and supportive, and I was pleased that I had sent it. Then I woke up the next morning and felt like shit – like I could NEVER do this, like nothing I had to say was relevant or entertaining or helpful in any way. Just zero, zip, total disaster.

Now I would have to disappoint my friends, who were supportive and encouraging, by never writing or posting again. I worked on the technical glitches over the next few days, still feeling like a scam and a failure until (procrastinating on Instagram) I saw a post by someone who had interviewed Elizabeth Gilbert on stage for an event, and she was saying it had been such an honest conversation that she had the Brené Brown “vulnerability hangover,’ and the lightbulb went off in my head – Uh…I think I might have that. So I went back and watched her Ted Talk, and looked over the books I had read and some online interviews, and I realized that, yes, indeed, I had put myself out there in a way I didn’t normally, and I felt like I had been over served.

Have you ever had this feeling? Did you get something out of it? Or did it just feel like shit?

Brown says, if you don’t feel bad the next day after stepping out of your comfort zone, then you didn’t go far enough. Really?? It sounds exhausting, but, still, she might be onto something…

I feel better after having admitted all this. I used to study Clown and nothing felt worse than when you were about to go onstage, but nothing felt better than when you had done it. I think this is what she’s talking about, and she’s a lot smarter than I am, so I will try to take her advice and “lean into the suck.” Thoughts? Is there an alternative?

P.S. Since I started writing this post, I’ve watched the R. Kelly documentary and the Jada Pinkett Smith Red Table Talk episodes, and I haven’t been vulnerable on anywhere near that level, but here’s hoping I can get some of the courage of those brave women. Love, C